This blog is about as random as its title. I shall post thoughts, ideas, rants, raves, etc. i f you do not like these things then why are you even on a blog website? There will be language if you don't like it don't read it.I don't follow a spacific timeline i hope to write often as it seems writing is a good way to let off steam so maybe 2 times a week or more. Thank you have a wonderful day.
Unconditional....what exactly does this word mean?
with no conditions or limitations: complete or guaranteed, with no conditions, limitations, or provisos attached
That's right folks. Complete and guaranteed. No conditions or limitations. I have recently looked at my life and the people in it. My ex for example had limitations and had conditions for this apparent love we had though I had none...I look at someone who I thought of as another parent someone who for years had my back and because I fell in love there are now limitations for the conditions of us seeing one another if the person in question is with me...The next person is a friend I have known for so long it is ridiculous, but apparently we have to talk instead of her just being supportive completely and realizing I am happy and I haven't been for a long time..for fucks sake I have lost weight because I am less stressed and someone actually notices and treats me right. This isn't unconditional friendship even though it should be because to these people I gave them everything....I loved without question or asking for anything after being cheated on....I worked my ass off for free because they needed me and I love to work with them and I cleaned homes I didn't have to because I wanted to do something nice for them....I back them up on any decision because that is what a true friend does and when Shit! hit the fan I picked up pieces and was there to listen...that is what unconditional is and even now I will do all these things and drop everything no questions asked because it is who I am...
Now...I have fallen in love with someone who asks of me not a thing...who does things just because...who would give me the world if it was possible....and he really asks nothing...NOTHING!....in return. Just as I ask nothing of him...we are now apart of each other....the halves to a whole....and damn it I am so happy so damn all the rest who I have unconditionally loved and done shit for...damn them all...I deserve for once to be happy and I am going to be....I have earned new friends along the way now and I don't understand how they can give me unconditional love, support, and understanding where my oldest and most trusted are exiling and persecuting me....I feel like I am in the Salem which trials for fucks sake...but obviously because everyone has nothing better to do they need someone to occupy their time and I fit the bill because I am compliant and make up excuses for their behavior...like I made excuses for the men in my past relationship about them putting their hands on me.
Well thank you to those of you who UNCONDITIONALLY! love me and are here for me thank you and to those who are blinded at the moment ...know I pray for you more then I pray for myself and I do not care to who I pray for just to the one that will listen...
Okay so last night I was having an 'adventure' we will say. In this adventure the pirate I was traveling with was a cut throat brandy buccaneer brandishing his mighty blade. Well needless to say in this adventure I am the sea wench who has captured this rouge pirates heart. So here we go...
He came to the tavern where she worked and stole her away to his ship. When she came to from a deep sleep he was there. Wooing her, wanting her, hunger driven...the seas had not been kind to him...to long without the warmth of another he'd been. They struggled for power. She was falling in love, but didn't want to make this easy for him. As they rolled around trying to find common ground she stopped and looked at him. Really Really looked at him and discovered he was beautiful, strong, rough....a rouge. She let this tempest roll over her till the dawn broke through the shuttered window of the captains quarters. The captain had already awoke dressing in front of his ornate mirrors before turning round eyes intense and said without skipping a beat...You're an animal....then pointed to the bruises and scratches the wench had left upon his olive skin....She was harsher then the sea and as loving as the warm breeze upon the seas...
So from this adventure I have learned I am a FUCKING ANIMAL! Do I take this as an insult or a compliment...well I am not sure....and if I am an animal..what kind? Cat? Parana? Alligator? Gerbil!? Hm so many unanswered trivial questions. Oh well. This wench knows how to handle her rouge pirate.
I am beginning to realize what loving someone can do to you when they aren't around. I have been with a good friend of mine for 5 whole days away from home and the rest of the world. Saw in those 5 days anger, irritation, love, joy, pain....and sleeping soundly and safely in that persons arms can change your whole perspective of life. Every bit of pain ebbs away you feel so safe and so unconditionally loved you could die honest to god happy. Tonight I am home...to night I am alone....I miss that security.
To finally know honest love and attention without any form of wanting anything in return. I want to cry and say take everything away just give me those days again for the rest of my life. Love is when your heart aches every time they look at you with any means of irritation and wanting to tell them your sorry 100 times though its not necessary.Love is feeling confused at how to be and what to do when they smile at you and your heart stops at those 3 perfect lil words. Then missing them is exactly how I feel. Your hearts in a shredder...your worried every second they aren't there...and you missed them the 10 minutes before you knew they were leaving. Put that with love and only a telephone and you have a war in your heart that only a few understand. I miss them.....so much.
So tonight to anyone who even glances here...hold the ones you live tight because one day your gunna roll over or walk through the door and they could be gone or far far away. Love while you can... miss them every moment you blink your eyes because just like a dream its only an eye open away from coming back and realize you lost it all with no recollection.